Connection and community
Showing opposition to anti-trans bills at the Texas State Capitol on Mother's Day weekend
Recently I was connected with another mom with a transgender child, and we talked on the phone for over an hour. She was looking for community – for ways of connecting with like-minded people.
This happens to me all the time; a friend has a friend with a transgender child, or a friend wants to get together for coffee and “ask me a question.” They’re all looking to share their story and to hear someone else’s story. They want to know they’re not alone.
Parenting transgender children can be tough and even lonely at first. Clothes shopping with your child takes on a whole new meaning if your child is transgender. Or getting a haircut. Or going to the doctor. Or helping them find a public bathroom. Or filling out pretty much any form. There are aspects about parenting a transgender child that are just hard to understand unless you’ve got one.
When Indigo first came out as LGBTQ, I knew I needed a community. I wanted to talk and share with people who understood the unique challenges of parenting an LGBTQ child, and I initially found that in PFLAG Houston. And I needed that connection even more when Indi came out as nonbinary. Through support groups and general meetings, I met other parents of transgender kids who just got it. They were supportive as I stumbled through understanding my child’s gender identity, figured out how best to support them, and took care of myself along the journey. I’m now the co-president of PFLAG Houston, and I get a great deal of satisfaction from giving back to an organization and community that has given me so much. I belong.
Similarly, when I attended the Gender Infinity Conference for the first time, I ran into three other families from my children’s elementary school (what was in the water there??). We bonded together over multiple commonalities, and that group was the foundation of what is now a larger neighborhood community of moms. And THAT group has grown as people have brought in friends, and friends of friends.
Sharing emotional experiences with other people can help you regulate your own emotions more positively.[1] That’s why when we share what we’re going through, we feel better. Connectedness is important for our wellbeing; it can buffer the impact of negative experiences and emotions and increase the impact of positive ones. When I attend a PFLAG support group, even though we’ve discussed some hard situations and feelings, there’s still comfort in sharing my story and knowing that others have faced similar challenges and gotten through them. I feel better. And I can give hope to others.
There’s also power and courage in togetherness. I’m reminded of the children’s story “Dragons and Giants” from Frog and Toad Together by Arnold Lobel. Frog and Toad face a series of dangers – a snake, an avalanche, and a hawk – and each time they scream, “I am not afraid!” even though they clearly are. At the end, they run to Toad’s house and hide, “just feeling very brave together.” Parents of transgender children can sometimes feel confused and even afraid, but if we have a community, we can feel brave together. We can band together and do things like tell lawmakers where they can stuff their bills targeting transgender children. We can show the world that we’re proud of our children and love them exactly as they are, even when trolls call us horrible names and threaten us online or in person.
Feeling brave together
Showing up to testify in front of Texas Senate and House committees this spring has introduced me to a whole new community of people who are fighting hard against the bills targeting transgender children. I was terrified to testify but found courage and support through the other warriors who spoke their truth. My social media feeds are now full of new friends who give me strength when I see their bravery.
If you’re the parent of a transgender child, please don’t do this alone. I encourage you to make connections and find a community of people who KNOW. You will need shoulders to cry on and supportive friends who celebrate successes. The people who get it will understand that a name change carries a serious amount of emotional weight for parents. And they won’t question your plans to move when your state’s government attacks transgender kids or your decision to stay and fight. Find your people.
Back to my new friend. Because of all the activity around the current Texas legislative session (a.k.a. the Texas shitshow), I belong to about 3,592 groups for parents of transgender kids, many on apps I can’t even work, so I had plenty of resources and groups to share with her. It brought me joy to invite her into my communities and help her find her own connections.
Community brings a sense of belonging that is integral to the human experience and gives us power. We all need it. Reach out if you need help finding yours.
[1] Ullrich Wagner, Lisa Galli, Björn H. Schott, Andrew Wold, Job van der Schalk, Antony S. R. Manstead, Klaus Scherer, Henrik Walter, Beautiful friendship: Social sharing of emotions improves subjective feelings and activates the neural reward circuitry, Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, Volume 10, Issue 6, June 2015, Pages 801–808, https://doi.org/10.1093/scan/nsu121