Love. Support. Celebration. Pride.
Houston Pride Festival, June 2019
“We are so proud of who you are. I would not change one molecule of you, not one. I’m so glad you’re gay, I’m so proud that you are free. I love that this is how you were made. I’m thrilled about your future . . . And you’re incredible. And we just love you so much. And every single bit of you is cause for pride.”
Thank you, Jen Hatmaker, for providing a pretty darn good blueprint (intentionally or not) for how to respond to your child coming out to you as LGBTQ. When our children came out to us as trans and queer, even in the midst of our own processing, we tried to convey unconditional LOVE, SUPPORT, CELEBRATION, and PRIDE for each of them.
My nonbinary kids both chose public places to come out to me and my husband (the first time, at least), and I primarily felt confusion (how can this be happening IN THE LINE AT TORCHY’S TACOS??) but also an overwhelming responsibility to get it right. None of us can remember the exact words I said, but both kids said that they felt accepted and loved. And that’s what really matters.
Parents of trans kids, you might be confused. You might have doubts. You will have some processing to do. You will probably grieve. But do it on your own and not in front of your child.
About that grief: it’s important to note that your grief is the loss of your expectations for your child, not the loss of your child. Your child is still standing in front of you, breathing, possibly terrified of your reaction and wanting your love and support. Give yourself the space and grace to grieve the loss of your expectations, but while you’re processing your emotions, keep loving and supporting your child. You will need to change your expectations of your child, just like anything else that changes for your children, like deciding not to go to college or needing a more challenging learning environment or being artsy when you thought they’d be sporty.
Bob Sanborn and Callen Lappin of CHILDREN AT RISK touched on this concept in an opinion piece for the Houston Chronicle: “The best resource a family can provide LGBTQ youth with is unconditional love and patience. It is not the responsibility of youth to change or hide who they are, but the family’s job to nurture and protect them. And celebrate their milestones. Even if they are not the ones they expect.”
This road can be a bumpy one for parents, no doubt. It’s also filled with joy, hope, laughter, and light. I am grateful and honored to be along for the ride in my kids’ journeys, and I thank God for making them exactly who they are.
Educate yourself and talk with other supportive parents of trans kids. There’s a sense of coming home when you talk to other parents who just get it in the way no one else can. PFLAG is a great place to start. My husband and I found PFLAG Houston incredibly helpful in our journey as parents, not only for the support and education they provide, but also for the connections to additional resources in our community.
Connecting with other parents of trans kids and sharing our stories, fears, and successes is one of the most nourishing joys in my life. If you need someone to talk to or help finding your support network, please reach out. I would be honored to listen.
In the meantime, love your kids because they’re your kids. Happy Pride, everyone.